On Post-Separation Abuse Awareness Week we join other UK organisations to promote greater awareness and understanding of post-separation abuse and its impact on victims and children. This post also provides guidance for including post-separation abuse in safety planning.
It is a well established fact that leaving an abusive partner does not necessarily stop the violence and abuse. Post-separation can actually see an escalation of abuse with women reporting continued threats and intimidation when leaving their abusive partner. This abuse ranges from harassment type behaviour, that now tends to include the use of technology to stalk victims, embarass or intimidate them, economic abuse, controlling behaviour, physical abuse and there is a heightened risk of homicide.
Post-separation abuse is a key indicator in domestic abuse risk assessment and indicates an increase in risks to ex/partners and their children. The 2021 Femicide census identified that 53% of women killed by men that year were killed by a current or former partner. 52% of women killed by a partner/former partner were taking steps towards leaving or had left the relationship. The end of a relationship is a trigger event included in the 8 step homicide timeline.
Survey responses from Kaleidoscopic UKhttps://www.kaleidoscopic.uk/ following their launch of last years Post Separation Awareness Week indicated that:
92% of those that had left an abusive relationship said that the abuse intensified following separation.
91% had experienced 'victim blaming' when talking to others about the post separation abuse they suffered.
67% said they had been subjected to more than 5 years of ongoing post-separation abuse.
As of April 2023 Post-Separation Abuse became a recognised offence under the Serious Crime Act of 2015 and is defined as a pattern of abuse that continues after a relationship has ended. However, many victims and experts feel that this type of abuse is misunderstood, ignored or dismissed. Those working within the family courts system believe that poor recognition of post-separation abuse can lead to the courts unwittingly permitting or facilitating ongoing abuse and control, particularly through child contact arrangements.
For many victims of domestic abuse, abuse continues or even begins post-separation. The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 made post-separation coercive control a crime, but there is still further to go - Domestic Abuse Commisioner
Read on to find out more about post-separation abuse.
What are the types of behaviour recognised as post-separation abuse?
Post-separation abuse can consist of a wide number of behaviours, under broader catgories such as:
Stalking - monitoring movements, turning up uninvited at home, work or in public, breaching orders or agreements, questioning friends/families about the victim where they are and what they are doing, threats and intimidation.
Harassment - unwanted excessive messages, emails or calls, making false claims to authorities, putting embarrassing or explicit photos or videos on line, creating fake accounts, causing an increase in spam emails or calls, using private investigators or others to speak to them.
Economic abuse - blocking access to financial resources, interfering with employment, refusing to pay child maintenance or making false claims to decrease amount, refusing to make loan or mortgage payments, taking out loans in partners name (ruining their credit history), using legal processes to drain financial resources, withholding assets such as cars or refusing to leave the family home, deliberately causing damage to posessions.
Coercive control - creating a sense of fear so victim is unable to live their life as normal, denies victims memory/perceptions of events, manipulates services or legal processes to remain in control, causing emotional distress.
Physical abuse - this can include any form of physical violence against the ex/partner.
How can child contact be used to inflict post separation harassment?
Separated mothers are often under greater pressure from an abusive ex and many have no choice but to continue to consult with them over childcare arrangements and see them during child exchanges. Formal and informal child care arrangements allow abusers to have access to the victim, providing opportunities for continued abuse. In our experience abusive expartners use a number of ways to attempt to continue abuse of mothers through childcare arrangements including;
threatening to abduct the children.
undermining the mothers’ authority or parenting.
deliberately causing disruption to the childrens lives (for example not giving food/medicine at correct times, not taking to pre-arranged clubs/activities or refusing to do homework).
neglecting the children during contact (not feeding or clothing them adequately).
discrediting her to other parents/schools/social services.
making false alegations to the courts about her parenting or making accusations of parental alienation.
using the children to find out confidential contact information.
using childcare arrangements to track and control mothers’ schedules.
sending excessive emails/calls/messages about the children or child care arrangements.
not providing for the children (child maintenance or not meeting agreements around goods or services).
being verbally/emotionally/physically abusive at handovers.
refusing to stick to agreements and orders around contact.
turning up at the child/rens school
coercing the children to ally with him and abuse their mother
It is important that when considering whether child contact is appropriate it should always be kept in mind that past behaviour is the most reliable indicator of future behaviour. When considering the risk of post-separation abuse particular care should be taken where perpetrators have a history of coercive controlling behaviour.
The safety of the child/ren, both physically and emotionally should always be the primary concern rather than a parent's 'right' to contact.
Safety Planning for post separation abuse
Unfortunately, the responsibility usually falls on the victim to protect themselves from post-separation abuse. When making a safety plan before, during or after separation, post-separation abuse should always be considered.
A safety plan is an important tool in helping protect victims and their children. The following guidelines can help when considering post-separation safety planning:
Know how to get emergency help - In an emergency 999 should always be called and you should be aware of the silent solution if you cannot speak, make sure your mobile phone is registered to your current address as the police are unable to trace calls in an emergency, they will attend the home that the phone is registered to. Setting up a password with trusted friends, family or colleagues can ensure they will call the police if you can't.
Get legal protection - speak to the police or talk to the national domestic abuse helpline or rights of women and consider your legal options. You can also speak to NCDV https://www.ncdv.org.uk/ for help in getting a non-molestation order.
Plan ahead - think about what you can do in every situation for example if you see him outside the house, at the school, outside your work, when you are shopping etc..
Know your surroundings - think about the quickest way out of your home in an emergency and practice escaping that way. Also, consider which room is the safest for you and your children to go to.
Be prepared - try to always have your phone with you, charged and with credit, always keep some cash with you in case you need it for public transport and if you have a car make sure keys are kept in a safe place with petrol in the tank.
Get help - Think about your support network and how they can help.
Friends and family - talk to trusted friends and family and see if they can help provide a place for you to go in an emergency, or set up a safe word so they know to call the police. It may also be helpful for them to hold important documents or copies of them in case you have to leave your home in an emergency.
Colleagues and employer - talk to your boss and trusted colleagues so that they know that you don't want him at the workplace or to know your whereabouts, you may be able to ask a colleague to screen your calls if you are worried about him calling you. Your HR department may also be able to provide additional help and support.
Neighbours - You may also want to speak to your neighbours to ask if they could call the police if they hear sounds of an attack or if they see him and this is in breach of an order.
Speak to childcare providers/schools - if you have injunctions in place or court ordered contact it is important that childcare providers know about this and know that he is not allowed to pick the children up from school, they can also call the police if he attends school if he has been ordered not to.
Secure your tech - change your passwords to something he will not be able to guess, particularly your banking and email accounts. You can also add two-factor authentication to online banking, email and social media accounts to add an additional layer of security. You should also ensure that you turn off your phone’s location services. Use Refuges tech safety tool (https://refugetechsafety.org/digitalbreakup/) to make sure that all the tech in your home is secured.
Speak to your child/ren (if age appropriate) - speak honestly to your child/ren about what they should do in an emergency if they are old enough they should be encouraged to call for help but not to intervene, learn how to use 999, and what the escape routes are.
Safety planning for child contact
Where direct contact is taking place (where the child sees the non-resident parent face to face) you may need to limit the amount of contact that you have with the parent for handovers, this could mean:
Have someone else handover the child/ren (a trusted relative or friend).
Use neutral places where there are plenty of people around (you could use a fast food restaurant like McDonalds or a shopping centre).
Use a contact centre - you can find a contact centre on the National Association of Contact Centres website.
Use a co-parenting app for communications, you can find out more here https://separ8.co.uk/tips-advice/co-parenting-apps-which-one-to-choose/.
If the contact is indirect (where contact is not in person) and the other parent is using communications around child contact to continue to abuse and harass, you may want to consider:
Asking a trusted friend or relative to handle the indirect contact and have any letters/parcels delivered to them which they pass to you.
Use a service such as a contact centre to manage the indirect contact and communication around it.
If cutting off communication isn't possible, keep communications brief and only discuss contact arrangements, try to ignore comments that he makes and not be baited into an argument.
Talk to the national domestic abuse helpline or rights of women to consider legal options.
If you are considering using video calling (like facetime or zoom) this should be approached with caution. Our experience of this being used during the pandemic was that abusers used this type of contact to harass and control their ex-partner further, with children witnessing abuse. They can also look for clues as to the child’s location if they are in a safe address that is unknown to them.
UK Helplines
In an emergency always dial 999
If you dial 999 and are unable to speak press 55 and follow the instructions from the operator, find out more here - https://www.policeconduct.gov.uk/sites/default/files/Documents/research-learning/Silent_solution_guide.pdf
Helplines are available in the UK as follows:
National Domestic Violence Helpline – 0808 2000 247
The Men’s Advice Line, for male domestic abuse survivors – 0808 801 0327
National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0800 999 5428
Action on Elder Abuse helpline: 0808 808 8141
Respect phoneline for perpetrators of domestic abuse - 0808 8024040
Childline - 0800 1111 you can also go to https://www.childline.org.uk/get-support/
NSPCC (Monday to Friday 8am – 10pm or 9am – 6pm at the weekends) - 0808 800 5000 or Contact counsellors 24 hours a day by email or online reporting form help@nspcc.org.uk
Kaleidoscopic UK provides independent, confidential and free on-going survivor led support groups. Available to anyone who has experienced any form of domestic abuse. Visit their website at https://www.kaleidoscopic.uk/
The Milk Exchange is a membership network of accessible, affordable, online support groups for domestic abuse survivors going through their family court proceedings, and beyond. Visit https://themilkexchange.uk/
Jennifer Gilmour & Abuse Talk - A digital community to support discussions around domestic abuse online. Starting with her Twitter Chat #AbuseTalk, this developed into an online forum. #AbuseTalk took a pause for a couple of years but is relaunching in 2024 with a digital holistic hub, a place to find local wellbeing services, self-defence classes, coaches, community groups and more. Jennifer says: "Together we are Louder". Find out more at https://jennifergilmour.com/
About us
DVACT-PAI are a team of domestic abuse experts, available throughout the UK, who provide assessments, programmes, consultancy and training to local authorities and the family courts. Our experts have decades of experience working directly with domestic abuse perpetrators and victims, as specialist assessors and as expert witnesses in the family courts.
DVACT-PAI was formed with the aim of using our expertise to help safeguard children from abuse, this is at the heart of everything that we do. To read more about us please visit our post - Who are DV-ACT?
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